How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
