I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
