I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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