you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
