Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
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I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.