I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.