The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
