the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
