Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
