Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
