Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
