What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
