i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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