Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
