I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
