I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
