yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize