please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
