this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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