i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
