why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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