i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
