My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
