he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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