Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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