I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
