just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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