I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
