Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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