my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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