We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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