proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
