my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
