No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
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The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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