After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
