Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
