Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
