I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish my penis had a tongue
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
then he tried to convert me to islam
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
