Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
