I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
