I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
