my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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