I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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