fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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