My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
