Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
