dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
