my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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