That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
