You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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