1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
