Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
