i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
