Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
