i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
