wat bout pragnant strippers??
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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