I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
