hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
