I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
