i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
