Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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