Are we in a gay sports bar?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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