So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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