I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize