You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
